A Ranty Review

So, I finally broke down and watched the live action G.I. Joe and since seeing it I have been talking every one's ears off about how terrible this movies is. I figured I'd better write these things down here before I lose any friends or family members over my incessant nit picking of this movie. Now, It's true that I still enjoy the
80s cartoon, but I hardly call myself a die hard fan. I don't own any G.I.Joes and I've only read a handful of their comics... Still this movie was terrible and before you read ahead (just in case you haven't seen this terrible terrible movie). This review (rant) is chocked full of spoilers.

After watching I really believed that this was written as a futuristic military movie and during the second draft on of the producers thought that they could change a few names in the script slap the name G.I.Joe on it and they could collect more money and get it made easier. Watching this movie I could not find any choice the director made as being passable yet alone the correct choice. First there's the lame explanation of G.I.Joe that goes along with Duke and Ripcord's recruitment. this was so lame, I really wish more directors would get the advice Mike Baron gave me when I should him my comic book ideas. Show Don't Tell!!! They spent way to much time explain the concept of G.I. Joe when they could have saved so much time just dropping you in a la Star Wars and letting you discover this world as the plot unfolds rather than just using every military movie cliche to over explain everything. Next there's "The Baroness" whose so lame the cartoon version would pimp slap the taste out of her mouth if the two ever met.

This movie feels like the writers did absolutely zero research while making this movie. Zero. Probably the least offense is making Ripcord black. The flashbacks of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow I felt were better than the actual movie. The film makers completely ruined The Baroness, turning her for a hard as nails femme fatale who is ruthless and will betray anyone friend or foe to accomplish her goals. Into a weak brainwashed damsel in distress. Whom is rescued by her former boyfriend Duke. It's really sad that the cartoon is more brutal and has stronger characters in both the protagonists and antagonist than the movie. Seriously, the actually toned down The Baroness, Snake Eyes and Destro's origins. WTF! I repeat the toned down their origins.

Actually, compared to the 1987 movie, they toned down just about everything in this version. Now, I don't want to be one of those folks who trashes something without giving ways they could have made this a decent movie. Sadly, I feel if they would have done any of these and kept everything else the same this movie would be a keeper rather than I punishment not permitted by the Geneva Convention.

First, they could have had more Joes in the background, hell in the workout scene alone they could have had 8 or 10 non speaking extras that could be identified in some form or another. Like having a guy on the treadmill next to Scarlett with a large tattoo of the Marines emblem on his chest or a guy in a red football jersey grabbing some weights or a guy wearing a Union Calvary or a Red Socks hat picking up weights. I mean this is supposed to be an ultra elite branch of the military and they only have 5 members and one of them never leaves the office? LAME. They could have had Xamot and Tomax in a meeting with Destro just wearing business suits with Cobra tie pins and I would have been happy.

Another way is if they had not changed Snake Eyes and The Baroness' origins so much making them pansies compared to their animated doppelgangers. Hell, the girls from W.I.T.C.H. could win a tussle with these characters. The director and writer could have learned a lot if they would have approached this project the way J.J. Abrams approached Star Trek and, though I'm not much into Star Trek that movie actually made me rethink my beliefs about Abrams and his talents (or lack there of). This movie also has the problem of stealing its biggest piece of action from Team America and actually doing a worse job at it. Seriously, if you are thinking about finally seeing this movie go watch either G.I.Joe: The Movie (1987) or Team America and you will have a much more entertaining viewing experience. This movie should be used in film school as how not to make a movie and by that I don't mean as an adaption of another work or as reworking of an old franchise I mean a just a general movie. The professor and his students should have the writer(s) and director visit their classes (or attend them to learn what film making actual is) and have the students go over it scene by scene and tell them how off the mark they were in each one. I honestly believe these film makers should personally give back every dollar that this movie made to us poor saps that sat through it.